Cullenmania 1: Mythical Madness
by s. du jour
Summary: Bella's gone mildly crazy. Will her love for Edward triumph over her sudden fascination for water? Will Jasper save the day? Why is Edward wearing a saucepan on his head? And how long will it take to calm Carlisle when he sees all that mud on the floor?
1. Song and Dance In A Mud Puddle

** Hey! Thanks so much for taking the time to come check this out! I had this idea when I read Nicky-Hale's 'A Cullen Tale'. Go read it, guys :)**

**(EDIT: It's been taken down, unfortunately.)**

**Over-Australianised Disclaimer: I might own the Black Swan Theatre, I might own King's Park, I might even own the Sydney Opera House. But do I own Twilight? No. And I don't, by the way, own the Black Swan Theatre, King's Park, or the Opera House. Damn.**

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It was noon, and raining in Forks, Washington. Far from being a little depressed by the rain, as she normally was, Bella was unusually ecstatic. Ecstatic to the point of dancing in it.

Edward and Alice watched from safe inside the Cullen house. Rosalie joined them.

"What is she doing?" asked Rosalie, shaking her head. Outside, Bella twirled back and forth on the grass.

"Dancing in the rain," answered Alice simply, a little bewildered.

Edward's eyes were glued to his beloved's mad, drenched figure. "Isn't she beautiful?" he said softly. Lovingly. "She's so exquisite, so graceful, so…"

Bella tried to execute a pas de deux and slipped in a mud puddle.

"Uncoordinated?" offered Rosalie helpfully. There was a pause.

"No, that wasn't it," Edward replied vaguely. Bella had, by this time, recovered herself, and begun dancing again, every now and again spattering mud on the southern wall of glass as she waltzed in the rain.

The 'wall' that Edward, Rosalie and Alice were looking out of. It hampered their view somewhat.

"Oh, Carlisle's not going to be happy with her for spattering the glass," noted Alice apprehensively. "Remember the last time that happened?"

Rosalie nodded. She remembered. Carlisle had thrown a massive fit when she and Jasper had teamed up against Alice and Emmett for a snowfight. The melting snow had left streaks on the glass, and even with Jasper's help, Esme had had a hard time restraining him. Carlisle didn't like mess.

"At least she can't flick the mud hard enough to break the windows," Alice added, relieved, triggering other memories. They had had to replace the entire ground floor window after one particular battle.

"Why is she doing this?" Rosalie, not unreasonably, wanted to know.

"Does it matter?" asked Edward dreamily.

"Well, yes," said Rosalie, taken slightly aback.

"She has a point, you know, Edward," Alice told him.

"Does she?" Edward absentmindedly wanted to know, his eyes still fixed on the beautiful creature before him.

"Yes!" both Rosalie and Alice exclaimed, not a little irritated.

But they were both prevented from making further remarks. Because, outside, Bella began to sing.

It wasn't really a song: more of a tuneless warble. A _very_ tuneless warble.

Edward listened intently. "Isn't she fantastic? Doesn't she send shivers down your spine?"

"She certainly does," said Rosalie wryly, at the same time that Alice said:

"We're vampires, Edward. We don't shiver."

Edward ignored them. "She's so happy," he mused, still staring out of the window, lost in sappy daydreams.

"Yes; I wonder why," Rosalie commented. "Do you know why, Alice?"

"No. Edward, do you?"

"Yes, I do, forever, as long as we both shall…"

"Edward!" The combined efforts of Rosalie and Alice managed to wake him from his stupor.

"What?" He somehow managed to look innocent, slightly hurt, and dreamy at the same time.

"Do you know why Bella's so happy?" Alice pressed. They could still hear the faint tones of Bella's song floating through the living room. The sound, unlike the intent behind it, was not a happy one.

"Oh." Edward looked slightly less happy. "No."

"Well, would you like to go and find out?"

"No." Edward looked a lot unhappier. And slightly… shamefaced?

"Why not?" asked Rosalie, taken aback for the second time in as many minutes.

"Well, I…" Edward broke off abruptly, and looked longingly out of the window.

"Why?" Rosalie wasn't actually sure that she wanted to know.

"I…" Edward couldn't finish the sentence.

"Yes?" Alice did want to know.

"I don't want to gmmrrwt," was all that could be heard.

"I didn't hear that last word, Edward," Alice smirked. She was pretty sure she knew this one now.

"Come on, Edward," said Rosalie encouragingly.

"I don't want to gemmiairet," said Edward, only slightly more intelligibly. Outside, Bella was pirouetting, wobbling crazily from side to side. She looked not a little dizzy.

"Edward."

"I don't want to…" Edward took a deep breath to steel himself against the teasing he knew would follow. "I don't want to get my hair wet."

As Rosalie cracked a smile and Alice collapsed into helpless giggles, another (albeit gentle) spray of mud hit the window. Carlisle wasn't going to be happy.

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**So, that's chapter one! Please review, or I'll set my good buddy James on you. (Just ignore the fact that he's dead, and press the review button, shaking with fear. Thankyou.)**


	2. In Which Bella Behaves Like A Fish

**YAY! Four reviews! I wasn't sure what to expect, but considering other people's review counts, So... thanks for reviewing-slash-adding my stories to alert. Major hugs directed at all of you; I'm really lucky! **

**To disclaim, or not to disclaim: that is the question.**

***James announces that it could also be a potential lawsuit***

**To disclaim, for sure, with some great (terrible) poetry:**

**My name is not Stephenie Meyer  
****It's actually steph'nie du jour  
****Of hen's eggs I am not a layer  
****And I do not own Twilight either**

**So if that rhymes on some existential plane, that's cool with me.

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**

Her creative fit exhausted, Bella lay back on the wet grass, heedless of her clothes, and breathed deeply. A bit too deeply, in fact, as a raindrop, having landed on her upper lip a second ago, flew up her nose.

"Oh!" she gasped, sitting up suddenly. All around her, rain fell, soaking her thorugh and through. She giggled, raising her hands to the sky and falling backwards onto the grass again.

Inside, Rosalie was convinced that the love of Edward's life was mad.

"She is not!" said Edward indignantly.

"She is," said Rosalie.

Edward turned to his so-called 'sister' for support. Alice nodded solemnly. "I think she is, Edward."

Bella, not having super-sensory vampire hearing, and therefore oblivious to their conversation, began to flop around like a fish, rather energetically. Yet more mud hit the window. Rosalie sighed. Whenever Carlisle and Esme got back, it had better be after they'd cleaned up.

"And there you go," said Emmett from behind them, pulling her into his arms for a tight hug.

"Hello, Emmett."

"Hello, Rose."

They stared into each other's eyes for several seconds, seeming to transcend both time and space, until Alice cleared her throat noisily.

"Guys."

"Sorry."

"What are we going to do about Bella?"

"Just _watch_ her," murmured Edward, still entranced.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Not exactly helpful, Ed."

"Do you think she's having some kind of a fit?" offered Emmett, by chance hitting on the only thing that would drive his brother into action.

Edward was roused at last. "Fit? Bella? NO!"

Grabbing the nearest hat-like thing he could find, Edward jammed it on his head and raced out of the house, hat hair being marginally more bearable than wet hair.

"Bellaaaa!"

Bella looked up as her lover came rushing towards her. She smiled.

"Bella, speak to me! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Can you talk?"

In answer, Bella sneezed. The rain was finally getting to her.

"Why, Edward, I'm fine," she giggled, breaking off into a sneezing fit.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Then, "Edward, why are you wearing a saucepan on your head?"

Is that what it was? Edward pulled the saucepan off his head to examine it, getting his hair wet, exactly as he hadn't wanted.

"That's a very good question, Bella."

Before his hair could get any wetter, Edward replaced the saucepan on his head, then immediately regretted it. It had collected enough water to drench his hair thoroughly. Edward sighed.

Bella sneezed happily.

"Where is she?" someone called.

From inside the house, Emmett, Rosalie and Alice watched in fascination as Jasper entered the scene.

"I knew this was going to happen," Alice groaned.

"Duh," muttered Emmett.

Ignoring him, Alice said, somewhat more cheerfully, "At least I know what's going on now."

"What?" Rosalie and Emmett asked in confusion.

Outside, Jasper was crouched by Bella, smiling blissfully.

"She's just so happy!" he explained to the saucepan-crowned Edward.

"I know." For a moment, both vampires sat in the rain, distracted, and enjoying the moment. They were brought back to reality by Bella's sneezing.

"Aah-CHOO!"

Edward began to fret.

"We have to get you someplace dry."

"No!" cried Bella vehemently. She began to flop around again, rather disturbingly like a half-dead fish.

"No?" Jasper was confused. He wasn't the only one.

"But, Bella, love, we have to make sure you're not sick."

"I'm not sick!"

"Bella, I think you are."

"I'm not!"

Edward hoisted her over his shoulder and began to carry her inside, much to Bella's dismay. But protests aside, Edward was unmoved.

Jasper, however, was an entirely different kettle of fish. Pun intended. Bella's emotions were beginning to have an effect on him. Inside, Alice began to chuckle, though not meanly, in anticipation.

"What?" asked Emmett.

"You'll see."

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**James has baked some cookies for those who review. Cooked by a dead vampire, yes, delicious... no. **


	3. It's Just Emotion, Taking Me Over

**A/N- good to see you're reading and hopefully liking the story :) It makes me all happy and warm and fuzzy inside! Well, shan't keep you waiting. Except for the** **disclaimer, which doesn't actually rhyme anyway:**

**The lady who wrote Twilight Saga ****  
Went under the name of Ms. Meyer****  
She wrote it from scratch-****  
Of the work, I did natch  
So all that I am is a player**

**(meaning, roughly translated, that Ms. Meyer wrote Twilight, none of it is the property of yours truly, and all I do is play with the characters she created. Hmm. Probably coulda written that as is. But it's so much more_ fun_ with bad poetry, isn't it?)**

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3 "It's just emotions, taking me over…", or, The Chase

"Maybe you should just let her stay outside," suggested Jasper, throwing a bit of complacency into the (rather wet) air for good measure. It wasn't hard, as Bella was already so happy.

Edward began to get a hint of where his 'brother's' thoughts were going. It was so frustrating not being able to read Bella's thoughts! Maybe if she stayed around Jasper for a little longer, Edward would be able to decipher what was happening.

"Well… maybe…."

On the other hand, there was Bella's health to consider.

Knowledge or Bella? It took the smallest part of a second to decide, if indeed there needed to be a decision. Bella.

Edward would have turned around and taken her back inside right then, had not Jasper plucked her out of his arms and made off with her triumphantly.

"Ha!" he said, as he scuttled away. "We will stay in the rain, won't we? We won't let him trick us, will we?" he said to Bella, who was cradled in his arms like a ragdoll. She sneezed again, and flopped about weakly.

"Bella! No!" Edward couldn't bear to see his love snatched away by his brother. He flew at a deadly pace towards Jasper, who saw him coming, and began to emanate feelings of peace.

Unfortunately for Jasper, he had forgotten that Edward could read minds, and had seen his intentions, putting on a burst of speed to overcompensate for the mind games he knew were coming. So by the time the waves of peace and trust had reached Edward, Bella was safely back in his arms. He skidded to a halt on the wet grass. His saucepan hat was wobbling dangerously.

"Bella, are you okay?"

"Like I said, Edward, I'm fine. Really, I am!" She smiled up at him, skin glistening in the rain, and for a moment, Edward was lost in the depths of her huge brown eyes. Those beautiful, chocolate-coloured eyes…

"Oh, isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she precious?" Edward said to Jasper, in raptures, forgetting that, at the moment, Jasper was his enemy.

"_My_ precious!" hissed Jasper. "Gotcha!"

For Jasper, stealing Bella from Edward's arms was but the work of a moment. He skipped away, victorious. Edward was partly to blame for this, as his vengeful feelings were colouring Jasper's. Bella sneezed and flailed about some more. Jasper, most unusually for a vampire, wobbled, as her emotionally-linked antics began to affect him more and more.

"We'll take good care of her, won't we? We'll stay in the rain, won't we?" Bella nodded enthusiastically in agreement. She didn't seem to mind being jerked about from one place to another, in fact, she seemed to positively enjoy it.

Edward, still unsure of what Jasper was feeling, but absolutely positive about what he was thinking, darted to the right at the same time Jasper did. Making the most of the almost-collision, he prised Bella away from Jasper's grip, and took off towards the house.

Unfortunately, Bella's antics were anything but aerodynamic, slowing Edward down nearly to human speed. Jasper caught up to him easily.

"My precious!" he hissed joyfully, as he once again reclaimed the love of Edward's life, sweeping her off her feet and carrying her speedily toward the end of the soaking wet green.

"No! My precious! I mean— Bella!" howled Edward in uncharacteristic rage. The saucepan fell off his head, and landed, instantly forgotten, on the grass.

As they dashed around the backyard, becoming more and more soaked in the downpour, feinting to the right and the left ("Are they playing chasey?" said Rosalie in amusement), Edward could see that Jasper was wobbling more and more. Bella was in danger of slipping right out of his arms.

"Give…me…my…girlfriend…back!" Edward lunged at Jasper, who ducked, but (in a manner reminiscent of Bella's earlier exploits) slipped in a mud puddle. Bella went down with him.

And there he stayed, finally giving in to the impulses coming so strongly from Bella, who was jerking around as though she was having an epileptic fit. He did his best imitation of a fish, right there in the mud puddle, spraying the house with its contents. A crash sounded from above.

"There goes the upstairs window," said Rosalie with a sigh.

Edward seized his chance, and, making off with Bella, managed to get her inside the house, all the while pondering why all Jasper could think was _Water! Yay!_ And why was he so ecstatic?

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**A/N- hope I've given you guys enough of a cliffhanger to keep you hooked! And that I haven't made any stupid spelling errors, stuff like that. Please read, and review, let me know what you think!**

**Random update on my life: James (a friend I have called James, not the vampire) cut his (really long) hair. It took me a whole period to realise that it was him, and not some random sitting in our Literature** **class.**

**Apparently, he was forcedly shaved on the bus. Who knew?**


	4. Drama, Drama, Drama

**A/N: So! It's holidays, and I'm in 'writing mode', which means I'm churning out more stuff than usual. Sorry, homework, you take last priority.**

**Props to** **nicky-hale for telling me about her baking disaster in the reviews. I will never look at macaroni and cheese the same way again.**

**Disclaimer:**

**Though in writing a humorous fanfic  
I have such a very good time  
I ask when you read, just remember  
Neither Twilight, nor Meyer, is mine!**

**(I know, I know, again with the bad poetry. Will I ever stop? No! Suffer!)**

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4 Drama, Drama, Drama

"Edward, no!" shrilled Bella, as her boyfriend carried her inside, out of the rain.

"Bella, you're freezing!"

"But I'll die!"

Edward shook his head at her melodramatics, forgetting that he had, not two minutes ago, been behaving significantly worse. "No, Bella, you won't die."

"Yes, I will!" Bella managed through gritted teeth, flailing madly.

Outside, Jasper continued to behave as though he were a fish, radiating goofy happiness. The group inside let him be. They had more important people to worry about; the vampire could take care of himself.

Once inside, Bella sneezed three times in quick succession, drawing a crowd of worried vampires in an instant.

"Quick, get her a blanket," said Edward, torn between Bella's madness and deciphering Jasper's thoughts. _Fishy water yay water happy happy happy…_ echoed in his mind. Edward shook his head. He couldn't think about that now, as intriguingly brain-numbing as it was.

"Do we have any?" asked Emmett, trying to think. Bella, meanwhile, kept sneezing.

"Er- I think there are some upstairs in that cupboard…" said Rosalie. She went upstairs to look, Edward racing behind her.

Bella, recovering from her sneezing fit, wailed, "I'm dry! I'm dying! Edward! Noooo!"

Edward was back in a flash. "Bella!" Rosalie, bearing a thick woollen blanket, followed at a slightly more leisurely pace.

"I think she has a fever," said Alice. "She's going to have a nasty cold as it is. The most we'll do is stop it from becoming pneumonia."

"Pneumonia? Bella?" asked Edward, worried.

"I'm dying!" Bella moaned. Outside, Jasper was still flopping crazily, but more as though he was worried this time.

"Would a hot bath help?" Rosalie asked, trying to ignore the view from out of the corner of her eye. Jasper's antics were rather distracting.

"Yes!" exclaimed Alice and Edward.

"Yes!" Bella chimed in excitedly, flopping around again, rather weakly. "Water!"

"Shh," Edward soothed her.

Between them, they controlled Bella's flailing and carried her up the stairs quite easily. Once there, Emmett deposited the girl in the spa tub fully clothed, and turned the hot water on full bore.

"Water!" breathed Bella in anticipation. She reached forward to feel the stream—"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Bella," said Alice— but shrunk back immediately. "Oww! It's hot!"

Edward instantly added more cold. Bella relaxed almost immediately.

"Aah," she sighed, leaning back into the spa as the water pooled around her. "I'm wet again. Thankyou, Edward." She jerked around a little, rocking her slightly, and looked up at him with loving eyes, dragging her small hands through the water. Back and forth, back and forth.

Edward was smiling down at her (in this position, she was almost too cute to resist), but the worry in his eyes was plain.

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**A/N: I'm actually really proud of the ending to this chapter, though it's extremely bigheaded of me to say so.**


	5. Revelation

**Wow! 15 reviews! I'm so happy! Let's try and get it up to 20! Thanks is long overdue to nosleep3, BellaMariie, nicky-hale, and Obessor14 for some repeated reviews! And! I'm! Using! Too! Many! Exclamation! Marks! It's probably because it's my birthday sometime during the next two weeks! Yay! Of course, I won't say when. This is the internet, after all.**

**DISCLAIMER: (to the tune of 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star')**

**Twilight, Twilight, there you are!  
****Steph'nie M's made you a star  
****Nothing Twi is owned by me  
****(My name, folks, is Steph'nie D)  
****Twilight, Twilight, there you are!  
****Steph'nie M's become a star.**

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"Aurgh!" Rosalie stormed out of her room. "Jasper!"

Of course, there was no answer. It had been half an hour since he had first laid down and fish-danced, and he was still going strong. As was the rain. From downstairs, Alice curled up on the sofa, positioning herself for the best view of the back lawn. Emmett joined her.

"Jasper!" Rosalie fumed again, knowing it was pointless.

"He can't hear you, Rose," called Edward from the bathroom, where he was attending to Bella's. He had kept the water steaming hot for a good fifteen minutes now, and still his beloved was still behaving oddly. More than oddly; downright worryingly. "He's still thinking something about… fish? Coral? The ocean? I've got no idea what it's about…"

"He's broken all the windows with that mud he's flinging everywhere! My room is completely covered in the stuff!"

"I know, I know," said Edward, soothingly, realising instantly that it was the wrong thing to say.

"Oh, and that makes it all right?"

"I never said that…"

"Oh!" Rosalie stomped off, shaking the foundations of the house. The windows would have rattled had they not already been broken. A sloshing sound came from the bathroom.

"Rosalie!" Bella complained. "You made my water go everywhere! You just wasted half of it! I'm going to die!" She burst into tears. Edward immediately turned the taps on with a force that almost broke them, and began to comfort her.

"Bella, it'll be alright. Just stay calm. Alice says you already have a fever. You don't want to make it worse."

"I don't care!" shouted Rosalie from outside. "This—she hauled the fidgeting Jasper across the lawn, into the house and up the stairs,—"has… gone… far... enough!" Alice bounded after her, Emmett trailing behind, snickering.

Having successfully dragged Jasper into the bathroom, leaving a trail of mud from the back door to the tiles of the bathroom floor, Rosalie sat him down on the side of the spa-bath, and began to yell at him. Alice and Emmett

"For goodness' sake! Can't you just get over this… this… thing? Hallucination? Whatever! What is going on?"

Enough of Rosalie's emotions carried over to Jasper for him to become, if not completely sane, at least a little more lucid.

"I don't know! If you want to know, ask her!" yelled Jasper back. He began to flop in agitation, which eventually deposited him headfirst and backwards into the spa, alongside Bella, who giggled.

"Have you come to play in the water, too?" she said happily, and sneezed. Jasper, comfortably nestled in the warm water, nodded. He drew his hand experimentally through the water.

Edward said, "Hush, Bella," and continued to the rest of the vampires in the room, "She's not well. I don't think she'll tell you anything that'll make sense."

"Edward, I'm not insane!" complained Bella. "Don't treat me like I'm two years old!"

Edward raised his eyebrows in patient scrutiny. Emmett raised his in disbelief. Rosalie's followed suit, in exasperation. Alice grinned. The combination of emotions seemed to bring Jasper out of his daze. He shook his head, and stared at Bella in wonder.

"If you wanted to know, you could have just asked," Bella continued indignantly.

"Well?" Emmett wanted to know.

"Well, what?" Bella pressed, impatient for equal treatment.

"Well, what's going on?" Jasper asked, also impatiently. His left hand splashed the water in the tub, despite himself. It was politely ignored by all, except for Emmett, who snickered.

"But isn't it obvious?" Bella looked down at herself in satisfaction, and clapped her hands. "I'm a mermaid!"

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**A couple of Twilight-related stories you guys may like if you like this one: **

**Twilight Outtakes, by me. This I describe as scenes that Stephenie Meyer's editor made her cut. You will see that tagline everywhere. That is because that is the quickest way to describe it. It's a parody, but not in the same style as this one. .net/s/5000110/1/Twilight_Outtakes**

**Again, thanks for taking the time to read this, and for reviewing, _and_ see you next Monday! (Earlier, if you read my other stuff!)**

**stephanie du jour  
**


	6. Reactions, or, The Saucepan Revisited

**A/N: I know, I know, short chapters, forgive me. I can't make 'em any longer! Anyway, more Jasper!  
**

**And despite some rather negative reviews on the poetry *cough*Cinnamon Selkie*cough*, I shall defiantly continue to release fantastic sonnets to the masses. Actually, this one's a haiku. Without all the imagery and stuff you're meant to include. Because this is _bad_ poetry we're talking about.  
**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**Meyer wrote Twilight.  
It gives me inspiration.  
****I do not own it.**

* * *

Edward broke the ensuing silence. "Um, Bella… You're not a mermaid."

"Yes, I am!" stated Bella confidently. Jasper nodded, a little swayed.

"No, you're not," Rosalie said gently. Jasper shook his head.

"I think she really does have a fever," noted Alice. "Is that why you were dancing in the rain, Bella?"

"Yes," said Bella. "Of course." This was said with such assurance that once again, every single vampire was lost for words.

"Oh," was all Edward could say.

"Well… that explains a lot," said Jasper.

"Doesn't explain the saucepan on Eddie's head earlier, though," Emmett observed. Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"It was the first thing I could find!" said Edward indignantly. "I've got no idea what it was doing out! Bella, you weren't cooking anything, were you? Were you hungry? All you had to do was ask…"

"No," said Bella. "I was enjoying the rain." Emmett snickered again.

"Actually…" said Rosalie, a little shamefaced. "I was… using it… as a mirror."

"A mirror!" Emmett roared with laughter.

"Well, you broke my normal mirror this morning!" she shot back at him. "I had to use something!"

"Oh, yeah, that's right…" Emmett's laughter trailed off as he registered the glare his wife was giving him. "Sorry 'bout that, Rose."

"Hmpf."

Alice, meanwhile, had skipped over to the side of the spa, and seated herself on the edge, inhaling the steam that rose from the still-hot water, and planning to become a temporary psychologist.

"Now, what makes you think you're a mermaid, Bella?"

"Because I am!" said a bewildered Bella. "It's like you guys are vampires; you just are!"

"But, Bella, mermaids are mythical—" Edward realised what he was about to say, and broke off.

Bella positively glowed in triumph. "Ha."

"But, Bella…" Alice sighed. There was nothing she could say that would make any difference. Suddenly, she sat bolt upright, startling Bella, who sneezed and clapped her hands in completely unfounded excitement.

"Alice?" asked Jasper, worried.

"Uh oh," Alice said.

"What?" asked Rosalie.

"Carlisle and Esme are coming home in thirty seconds."

Jasper thought about this. The south wall was almost entirely covered in mud, where the glass wasn't already broken from the force of his mud-slinging. There was a trail of mud all the way through the house. And Bella thought she was a mermaid. He sighed.

Carlisle was _not_ going to be happy.

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**Sorry it's so short. At least I now have 25 reviews! I'm happy for that! **

***throws random cookies at everyone who's reviewed*  
*****sounds of munching coming from reviewers***

**Glad you like. They're chocolate chip. James baked them specially.  
**


	7. In Which Motives Are NOT Revealed

**A/N: You find me at my lowest, my friends. Morosity itself, if morosity is a word. As a direct consequence, this author's note is strangely out of tune. See, you can tell- no exclamation marks. I have no energy left for fun. :( Why? Because I just realised that I have another year and a half of high school left...**

**So, no bad poetry today, just a simple statement of fact: I don't own Twilight. Also, I'm not sure if this is up to standard. If you want me to rewrite it, let me know.**

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Alice's revelation threw the household into a mad flurry.

"Sorry, Bella, got to go," explained Emmett as he rushed off with Rosalie to stall the coming Cullens. Jasper raced downstairs, ready to help if Carlisle got a little upset. Alice and Edward were left alone with Bella.

"Oh, Edward," said Alice. "This is going to end in disaster."

"I know," replied Edward. Bella looked up at him adoringly. He stared back, into those gorgeous, mesmerising chocolate eyes...

Ignoring them, Alice perked up. "Jasper's com-"

By the time she said it, Jasper was there, Rosalie and Emmett in tow. Edward looked up, enlightened and relieved by Jasper and Alice's thoughts.

"Quick," he said. "Get in the spa."

"What? Like this?" grimaced Rosalie. "But my _clothes_! Alice!"

But, strangely enough, the Cullen's resident fashionista was already seated in the spa, Jimmy Choos and all.

"I know, Rosalie, but hurry _up_," was all she said. "We don't have much time."

"Come on, Rose," said Emmett. Without waiting for further protest, he grabbed his wife and sat down heavily in the spa amid squeals of irritation, splashing water everywhere.

"Good," said Edward, sitting down lightly next to Bella, and, in complete contrast to his previous actions, behaving like mermaid on stimulants. Everyone followed suit, including an enthusiastic Bella, who was absolutely delighted that everyone was now finding out the benefits of being a mermaid. Everyone, that is, except for one person.  
"What?" Rosalie was still aghast. "Oh!" she wailed in horror as water went all over her. "_What _is going _on_?"

"Sshh," said Alice. "Just follow our lead."

"Come on, Rosalie," Bella chimed in, splashing yet more water over the bathroom.

Rosalie sighed in annoyance. But she complied, just in time. Because, two seconds later, came the cry:

"What's happened to my WINDOWS?" from downstairs.

"Now, Carlisle, I'm sure there's an explanation for this," Esme soothed, to no avail.

"There'd better be!" Carlisle's voice was growing louder and louder.

"Quick! Splash!" hissed Jasper, hoping Carlisle couldn't hear him. "I'll do the rest!"

Energetically, the Cullen 'children' and Bella began to splash at a feverish pace.

"Edward! Jasper!" roared Carlisle from below. "Emmett!"

"Water!" shouted Emmett at the top of his lungs, causing Bella, who was next to him, to shriek. Emmett could be very loud.

"…Emmett?" said Carlisle and Esme together.

Feeling their bewilderment, Jasper simultaneously let a few excitable, happy feelings go, and said "water!" in a loud voice for good measure. He hoped this was all Carlisle would need. Rosalie, for once getting into the spirit of things, fish-flopped for a few seconds. Her hair had gotten so wet, it was going to need another styling anyway. (It didn't hurt that Emmett, getting carried away, had hit her several times in his frenzied flailing, and doing a mermaid impression seemed to be the best way to get a few blows back at him)

"I think we'd better see what's going on," said Esme to Carlisle from downstairs.

"What on earth is Jasper up to?" wondered Carlisle, no longer in a state of maddened rage, and more in a growing state of bewilderment. "Can you feel that, dear?"

"Quick, guys, amp it up!" whispered Emmett, who was having the time of his life.

Everyone did as they were told, Jasper aiming a few more 'happy' feelings in Carlisle's general direction. With the result that when Carlisle entered the bathroom, Esme hot on his heels, he was not mad, or even slightly annoyed, but rather confused.

"Jasper?"

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**Oh, and as a reminder for those of you who haven't checked out Twilight Outtakes lately- it's on hiatus because my copy of Twilight has to go back to the library. I'll be back in action as soon as it comes back to me.**

**Over and out, and thanks for the readership and the reviews.  
Steph.**


	8. Climax

**Steph-the-cheerful is back! ****I apologise for my un-me-like behaviour last chapter.  
**

**DISCLAIMER (To the chorus of Destiny's Child's 'Survivor'):**

**If you're a Twilighter,  
you want me to sign stuff  
I gotta tell you:  
I'm not Steph Meyer**

**You wanna know a-  
-bout the vampires  
Well, folks, you can ask me,  
But I'm not Steph Meyer.**

**Two verses this time, to make up for last week...**

**...I can HEAR Cinnamon Selkie groaning.

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**

8 Climax

Met by a tidal wave of water and a chorus of ecstatic voices all extolling the virtues of water, Esme's first impression was that her children had formed some sort of ritualistic cult. After all, their behaviour was typical Emmett activity, but so unlike Rosalie, who happened to be in the middle of some rather energetic splashing, herself.

"Rosalie, dear?"

Rosalie hid a grimace. (Alice was nudging her.) Inwardly, she sighed. If she had her way, she would rather not be here at all. But she had to do this to make Bella think 'human' again. Otherwise, living with Edward would become completely unbearable. And so, outwardly, she giggled. "It's water, Esme; look!"

Edward, privy, of course, to the inner workings of his sister's mind, was doing his best to ignore her discountenance. "Yes, Esme. See?" He splashed some water over Bella, who giggled artlessly and splashed him back.

As Carlisle, dumbfounded, repeated, "Jasper?" and Edward and Bella continued splashing each other, Alice carefully and daintily executed a double back-flip, landing back in her place, but scattering water all over her family in the process, and Jasper let his eyes roll back into his head, toning down the happiness feelings.

Finally, after his mouth had been hanging open for not a few seconds (and in vampire time, an eternity) Carlisle closed it, swallowed, and shook his head.

"Would somebody like to tell me what's going on?"

"Here it comes," grimaced Rosalie under her breath.

"Well, Carlisle," said Edward. "It's like this—"

"We're mermaids, Carlisle!" interrupted Bella excitedly.

"Oh boy," muttered Rosalie, much to Emmett's (for once, contained) amusement.

"Ready, Jasper?" murmured Edward.

"Don't worry, it'll work," Alice whispered encouragingly.

"Gotcha," said Jasper, in almost inaudible tones.

"You… think you're mermaids," said Carlisle in disbelief. Esme looked on shrewdly, but didn't say anything, much to Rosalie's relief.

"No! Don't be silly, Carlisle. We _are_ mermaids!" Emmett told him. "There's a difference."

"You're kidding me," said Carlisle.

"Why would we do that?" Bella wanted to know.

"Get ready," said Alice to Jasper alone.

"But you aren't mermaids!"

Jasper, having managed to drop the 'mermaidy' feeling some time ago, gathered the full force of Carlisle's conviction, ready to turn it on when needed.

"Yes, we are," said Emmett, and splashed for good measure.

"No, you're not!" said Carlisle.

"Yes we—" Emmett, having been nudged by Edward, abruptly changed his tune, much to Rosalie's relief. "Oh. We aren't?"

"No," said Esme.

"Oh. Come on, guys," said Emmett, and got out of the spa. Rosalie followed his example, gratefully, intending to snag her husband, ply him with a mop and bucket, and make him help her clean up before Carlisle came back down. Normally, she didn't clean up, but when it was a choice between that, and facing the wrath of Carlisle—again—she'd choose the former every time.

(Esme, who was by the door, snagged him first, however, and said quietly, "Now, you're going to explain all this to me later, aren't you, Emmett?"

"Yes, Esme."

"Good choice."

Emmett and Rosalie left the room.)

Alice said, for Jasper's benefit, "We're not mermaids, Carlisle?"

"No."

"Really?"

"_No._"

"_Really?_" said Bella incredulously, and not altogether accepting of this new idea.

"No!" said Carlisle and Alice.

Jasper aimed his collected 'feelings' at Bella and let rip, starting gently at first, as Carlisle's emotions were very strong at the best of times. In fact, this strength was what he, Edward, and Alice were counting on to bring Bella to her senses—Jasper's powers just didn't seem to be that effective for Bella, whereas it had taken all his control just to start feeling human again.

"Really?"

Though he could hear his girlfriend weakening, Edward sighed. This really was going on for far too long. Jasper had better succeed soon, if only for the sake of his brother's peace of mind.

Edward was far too impatient to have his girlfriend back.

"Bella. You're not a mermaid."

"Oh," said Bella, in an anticlimactic way. "Really?"

"No," sighed Carlisle.

"Oh."

There was silence as everyone waited for something else to happen.

"Well, what are we all doing in here, then?" said Bella simply.

Nobody really had an answer to that.

**The End.**

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**Oh, come on! You didn't think I'd let you go just like THAT, did you? Tune in, same time, next week. I haven't finished writing the epilogue yet, but IT WILL BE DONE by next Monday.**

**EDIT: Oh. My. Gosh. FORTY REVIEWS! FORTY REVIEWS! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!**

**I just went to post the chapter and I SAW THE NUMBER OF REVIEWS ON THE STUFF I'D WRITTEN ALREADY! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**... see, this is what you get when you cross an overly-hysterical first-time fanfic writer and a lot of GORGEOUS people. I'm abusing caps lock again, aren't I? But I'm so EXCITED! Like I said, I love you guys.**


	9. Epilogue: The Last Word

**Hey! So I'm back. Anyway. It's the epilogue, and so it is short, and without an awesome (or not!) disclaimer. Look out for _Cullenmania 2: House of Fun_ next week. Because no way do I want to let this go!  
**

**Thanks to my FANTASTIC reviewers who reviewed most, if not all chapters: omgbubbles, Cinnamon Selkie, and last but not least, carbondioxcopy! I appreciate it!**

**Woah, I thought I just saw a skink run over the ledge in our loungeroom...

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**

Epilogue: In Which Bella, Again, Has The Last Word

"So, Bella, why did you think you were a mermaid?" asked Edward, once they'd all dried off and seated themselves in the family room.

Bella looked at him blankly. "A _what_?"

"A mermaid?" Edward said, as though it should have been obvious. As indeed, it should have.

Bella stared at him hard. "Are you feeling alright, Edward?"

"But you—you—" Edward spluttered. He turned to everyone else for support. "She did, didn't she?"

All around the room, heads nodded, and the general consensus was stated solemnly by Jasper.

"You did, Bella."

"No, I didn't," said Bella, bewildered. Her eyes narrowed. "Jasper, have you been throwing emotions around the place lately?"

Taken aback, Jasper uncharacteristically stuttered, "Well… yes… b-but—"

Bella sighed patiently, rolling her eyes. "Please, Jasper. It just makes it harder on us. Everyone goes crazy. Come on, Edward."

And with that, she made an exit, dragging her slightly confused boyfriend behind her, and leaving poor Jasper to wonder if it was really _his_ fault that Bella had thought she was a mermaid in the first place…

Alice tried not to giggle.

**The End...**

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**EDIT: Here is the link to Cullenmania 2:** **House of Fun: fanfiction [dot] ****net/s/5086335/1/**


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